I'm All In

This song is my heartbeat right now...

Why's it always circumstantial? Never any real potential. Obvious and so sequential. It always ends the same. Holding out with all that's in me--is it worth all this pretending? A story with an ugly ending; it's never worth the pain. So right here and now I am all in

Cause I'm letting go of everything I am. And I'm holding on to everything You are. I'm letting go of everything I once was. I'm all in; I'm fallin' into Your arms again.

Can we just wait out the weather? I could stay right here forever. Got to get myself together; real life is on the way. Call it my foregone conclusion I'll always welcome Your intrusion. You're the master of my choosing; I'm all Yours.

Cause I'm letting go of everything I am. And I'm holding on to everything You are. I'm letting go of everything I once was. I'm all in; I'm fallin' into Your arms again.

This time I'm so for real. It's time I sealed the deal. Shut down my lame appeals; I'm letting go I'm letting go. I'll throw caution to the sky. Kiss all my fears goodbye This time its do or die. I'm letting go. I'm letting go!

Cause I'm letting go of everything I am. And I'm holding on to everything You are. I'm letting go of everything I once was. I'm all in. I'm all in. Cause I'm letting go of everything I am. And I'm holding on to everything You are. I'm letting go of everything I once was. I'm all in. I'm fallin' into Your arms again.

I'am letting go

I'am letting go

I'am letting go

Toby Mac All In

I like going to the bathroom in the dark

I have decided I like going to the bathroom in the dark. Not the kind of forced darkness where one simply shuts the door to be alone, but the kind of darkness that comes in the middle of the night. That darkness invaded by only the tranquility of a small nightlight--there for the sole purpose of emitting just enough light to get by without the stubbing of one's toe.

I suppose this state of being, this peacefulness and uninterrupted solitude symbolizes something profound and thought-provoking. Perhaps because I was always quite afraid of the dark as a young girl and have now conquered that fear and can get up all by myself in the middle of the night--without waiting for mom to come and walk me there. Perhaps it is a recognition of a growing, maturing adult, one with yet still a small ounce of sensibility (no one can like a stubbed toe, after all). Maybe, it stirs up memories that invoke feelings of peace and settled-ness in the misunderstood plans of God. Maybe God is yet stirring up something else. Something so different, yet stemming from these painful but powerful memories.

Some things have changed in my life since I was that scared little girl. It is possible that it would, in fact, be easier to count the things that have not changed since that time. I have the same name. Everything else seems different. Even all of my yesterdays are no longer the same. My perception of God, my perception of the world, my perception of people--all different. My strengths--different. My weaknesses--different. My passions--different. My fears--different. Yet, in all of these differences, it is always the same me. I am always me, no matter how much or how little I change. I am me. My fears of the dark may have been replaced by a fear of rejection or a fear of success, but it is still me. Fearing. I can pour my energy into people, into my job, into creative expressions of myself--all the while, still portraying the same me. No! But, it is a different me! Sometimes I cannot stand the thought of who I used to be. Sometimes I have a hard time with who I am. But, nevertheless, I am still me.

It must be interesting to be where God is. To view the world and our lives as God views them. I would think it very amusing at times to be such a god as I AM and to be dealing with persons as petty as I am. And yet, through it all--I AM and still me. In the scope of who he is I lose sight of my own significance. I, of course, have a purpose and to say less would be an insult to my Creator. But, in the scheme...

It is nice to have a light. Even a small one does it's purpose. It's appearance may change, but it's purpose it always the same. It's there to illuminate whatever area it's plugged in. That's it. It doesn't have to solve any great mysteries or tell people what they should do--it just is. And through its being, through the fulfillment of it's purpose, these other things come to pass.

Just being. In the bathroom. In the darkness. With a little light so I don't stub my toe.

Seasons

Seasons come and seasons go. Every year the seasons change—outside my window and inside the confines of my simple life. Every change is like a stone tossed into a lake, causing a rippling effect. Each small stone—be it a new job, a new home, a new relationship—affects the surface of the water, reverberating signals of new challenges in every direction. The stone itself then sinks to the bottom and becomes a part of the foundational make up of the very being of the lake. How the water trips and moves is changed as a whole by a simple stone.

This new season I am beginning, complete with many stones, has caused so much rippling at times I feel as if the stones themselves are actually large boulders, splashing and sinking into my existence and changing the looks of everything around me. The water, not completely still before, but holding a calming effect on all audiences, suddenly is churning with change. The boulders so large that they have indeed made their way to the bottom and are currently redirecting the waters that flow over them. This is not a calm scene any longer. It becomes, instead, the beginning of roaring rapids. Which is more peace-full: a calm lake or rushing river? If rushing water implies change it can indeed be seen as either—depending on the lens of the viewer. One would say these changing waters represent a lack of focus, in a sense, chaos. Others may see it only as opportunity for Good.

The very nature of change is in itself full of uncertainty. It is different by definition from what is or has previously been. I have claimed to be one for change, or so I’ve stated when the waters were calm--nothing wrong with stirring up the surroundings a bit to make people wonder what’s going on. I have found, though, as change and the unknown link arms requesting to accompany me in my future, they can bring along a sense of intimidation. But, when they come knocking at my door requesting my companionship to a mysterious and unidentified destination, despite the cloud of fear waiting to rain over my head, I choose to step out—knowing that the One who plans and directs my steps is good. The waters may be full of change, but they cannot be full of destruction. I know that on my journey the waters will not pass over me. The lack of calmness and serenity need not imply chaos or deficiency of direction, but rather a greater sense of adventure and exploration. Much more exciting is a bend in the river ahead, raising up something unknown to our catalog of memories than sitting complacent in the midst of a lake where surroundings are completely observable with hardly a question in mind.

As much as the ripples have turned to waves and each day seems like a new bend in this body of water, I have chosen to embrace each day with complete certainty—no longer a certainty in the familiar, but a certainty in the One who drops the stones. God is stretching me to trust him. Trust in One I cannot see who holds a future of mine that is also invisible to my finite eyes.

Bring on the boulders.